


Fucking Garbage

by xcuteikinz



Category: Steven Universe - Fandom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-10
Updated: 2015-10-10
Packaged: 2018-04-25 18:43:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4972096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xcuteikinz/pseuds/xcuteikinz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Me and my friend tried to write a fanfic, and in the process got distracted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Navy Seals

**Author's Note:**

> (The official serious version of the fanfic is finished and can be viewed here! https://archiveofourown.org/works/4989397)

It all started with a book Steven received from his father back when he was grounded. A book on pick-up lines, innocent enough at the time. Chuckling, he flipped through the pages. He could understand most of them, but some of them were… Strange, to say the least. One in specific caught his eye, though. His curiosity got the best of him, and he decided to call upon Amethyst for an explanation.   
Holding the book in his hands, he approached Amethyst.  
“HEY YOU FAT FUCK”  
“HEY FAGGOT,” Amethyst shouted back. “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?”  
“TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK THIS MEANS, YOU WHORE.” Steven shouted, before reading the pick-up line- “I LIKE YOUR VAGINA, AND I WANNA PUT MY DICK IN IT”  
“IT’S SIMPLE FUCKING ECONOMICS, STEVEN. IT MEANS YOU’RE GAY.”  
“What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across theUSA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.”


	2. Mark Zuckerburg

It all started with a book Steven received from his father back when he was grounded from television. A book on pick-up lines, innocent enough at the time. Chuckling, he flipped through the pages. He could understand most of them, but some of them were… Strange, to say the least. One in specific caught his eye, though. His curiosity got the best of him, and he decided to call upon Amethyst for an explanation.   
Holding the book in his hands, he approached Amethyst.  
“Hey, Amethyst.”  
“Oh, hey Steven! What’s up?” Amethyst said after taking a bite of a hamburger.   
Steven held up the book and pointed to one of the pick up lines. “Could you tell me what this means?”   
Setting down her burger, she inspected the page and read aloud. “There are 206 bones in the human body. How would you like one more?”   
She looked up at Steven, and her eyes widened in surprise, trying to contain her laughter.   
“STEVEN!” Her raspy voice yelled. “Where’d you find this book?!”  
The boy shuffled his feet awkwardly, suddenly developing a feeling that he should have just left this question unanswered. “Well,” he started sheepishly, “It was in the box of books dad gave me!”   
“Well, Steven,” she began, “who’s the guy that invented facebook?”  
Amethyst walked away, leaving steven alone.  
~*~  
Five hours later after Steven and Amethyst’s encounter, she bursted through the temple door and yelled “MARK ZUCKERBURG”   
Pearl looked up from the book she was reading, confusion alight in her eyes. “Amethyst, what are you going on about this time? Who is Mark Zuckerbu-”  
“motherfucking Jesse Eisenberg JESUS Christ fuck dude mother fucking Facebook movie bullshit JESUS can you fucking believe this shit God damn created Facebook then fucking lawyers and shit right fucking winkle boss twins God damn rowing the boat God damn this shit I can’t even fucking believe this shit have you seen this shit fuck I just watched this shit fuck Jesse Eisenberg man motherfucking Spider-Man Spider-Man you put in the time fuck put in the time motherfucking build shit with his bare hands fucking best friend shit Jesse Eisenberg I’m very tired no man I’ll just talk about the facebook movie all day shit man you must be so interested in the shit I have to say about the Facebook movie fuck dude I just watched the year and a half ago fuck Jesse Eisenberg man man he fucked over Spider-Man and crazy winkleboss twins rowing Trent resin or did the soundtrack fuck this guy who invented facebook I don’t like dying I can’t think of who the fuck invented Facebook all I can think is the guy who played the guy who invented Facebook who the fuck invented Facebook MARK ZUCKERBERG”  
“What the fuck.”


	3. Iggy Azalea

It all started with a book Steven received from his father back when he was grounded from television. A book on pick-up lines, innocent enough at the time. Chuckling, he flipped through the pages. He could understand most of them, but some of them were… Strange, to say the least. One in specific caught his eye, though. His curiosity got the best of him, and he decided to call upon Amethyst for an explanation.   
Holding the book in his hands, he approached Amethyst.  
“Hey, Amethyst.”  
“Oh, hey Steven! What’s up?” Amethyst said after taking a bite of a hamburger.   
Steven held up the book and pointed to one of the pick up lines. “Could you tell me what this means?”   
Setting down her burger, she inspected the page and read aloud. “There are 206 bones in the human body. How would you like one more?”   
She looked up at Steven, and her eyes widened in surprise, trying to contain her laughter.   
“STEVEN!” Her raspy voice yelled. “Where’d you find this book?!”  
The boy shuffled his feet awkwardly, suddenly developing a feeling that he should have just left this question unanswered. “Well,” he started sheepishly, “It was in the box of books dad gave me!”   
The purple gem flipped through the book, skimming through pick up lines. “If you were a vegetable.. you’d be a cutecumber,” she read more. “Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.” She set the book down and laughed. “Steven, these pick-up lines are TERRIBLE.”   
“Aww, Amethyst. I thought they were funny!” Steven pouted. “Especially the alphabet one.”  
“No, no no, Steven,” Amethyst said, throwing the book behind her. “If you wanna hear some GOOD pick up lines, then I can tell you some.”  
Steven’s eyes lit up like stars with excitement. “Really?!” He was practically jumping up and down with excitement until Amethyst put an arm over his shoulder.   
“Aww yeah, prepare to learn from the master.”  
With that, the two of them scampered off, leaving the book of pick-up lines behind.  
______________________________________________________________________________

With a flash of light, Garnet stepped off of the warp pad. A quick glance around the room told her that the house was empty. As she was about to step into the temple doors, she stepped on something. She looked down at the offending object and noticed that it was a book that had been cast aside for one reason or another (most likely by Amethyst, she noted). If Pearl saw this on the floor rather than on the shelf where it belonged, she would probably have an aneurysm. She was about to set the book on the shelf, but she stopped to inspect it, a little intrigued by the title: 1,200 Pick-Up Lines. Rather than setting the book down in it’s rightful place, she strode over to the couch with it and took a seat.   
Upon skimming the first few pages, she discovered that the book was complete and utter stupidity. How did humans think that these lines could possibly improve their chances of finding a mate, when they were just so poorly written? As she read deeper and deeper into the book, the lines got more and more ridiculous. These could never work. Nope. Not ever. And she definitely wasn’t thinking about trying it out. Not at all.  
And that was the biggest lie ever told. In fact, she wanted to try it out on someone who she had recently been harbouring feelings for. Someone who, coincidentally enough, just stepped out of the temple doors. It’s Iggy Iggs. Garnet’s dick immediately hardened.


End file.
